Learning To Say "No"

by Poppy Smith

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Have you ever asked yourself, “Why can’t I just say NO?” Or maybe you’ve heard your husband or teenager say, “Why don’t you just say NO?” Most of us say ‘yes’ to more than we can comfortably fit into our lives, but to be fair, how much we can take on varies from person to person.

Would you say you thrive on a full calendar? Or does it leave you exhausted and needing down time to recover? Perhaps you’re a mix of the two. Knowing yourself is vital for finding a healthy pace for daily living. Different people have different energy levels, different capacities, different responsibilities and circumstances. Different seasons of life also affect how much you can comfortably take on—and so does having a husband or other family members whose needs or wishes merit consideration!

When we ignore or down-play our personal circumstances, we can end up living in what I call survival mode. In other words, we get things done but pay a price both physically, emotionally and spiritually for squeezing in too many activities. It doesn’t help our marriage or family relationships either!

What do Paul’s words say to you in light of our topic?

“Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is” (Eph.5:15-17).

How can you tell if you’re being foolish and packing too much into your schedule? Check out what optional activities leave you feeling frazzled, irritable, and stressed. Now think about those activities which leave you feeling comfortably stretched and produce personal or spiritual growth. What does this tell you?

There’s a reason we don’t say NO as much as we need to, and there are growth steps we can take to live a more Spirit-led life! Here are seven reasons, and seven growth-steps, to help you live wisely:

REASON 1. Spiritual passion. You genuinely love the Lord and want to serve Him.

GROWTH-STEPS: Know your gifting. Honestly analyze what will not be done if you say ‘yes.’ Temper your eagerness with wisdom regarding other commitments and your energy level.

REASON 2. Unrealistic assessment of time needed for each commitment.

GROWTH-STEPS: Prayerfully assess time needed to do the task with integrity, not at the last minute. Discuss this area with a supportive friend who will give you honest feedback. Listen and grow!

REASONS 3. Expectations instilled in you by family or other Christians.

GROWTH-STEPS: Examine your inner messages and family model—question what you tell yourself. Ask yourself if this is a healthy and Biblical way to live. Also, look at your theology—are you operating under grace or do you think your works are necessary to have God’s favor?

REASON 4: Fear others will be upset and you will be disliked or rejected by them.

GROWTH-STEPS: Recognize that your need for acceptance and approval can tyrannize your life and keep you from God’s priorities. He doesn’t ask you to make everyone happy, only to honor what He has called you to do. Pray for the wisdom to discern the difference.

REASON 5: Need to rescue others and feel needed.

GROWTH-STEPS: Ponder the truth that even Jesus did not meet the needs of everyone. What does this say to you about your freedom in Christ to say NO? Learn to trust God to act in people’s lives, believing He will clearly direct you to step into a situation if He wishes.

REASON 6: You feel guilty and bad about yourself if you put your own needs first.

GROWTH-STEPS: Accept that you are finite and need to take care of yourself. You are designed to need rest, recreation, spiritual and emotional renewal as well as time with family and friends. Examine the logic of your guilty/bad person messages: do they make sense? Are they from the Holy Spirit? What would be the inevitable outcome if you let them control your life? What is God saying to you about the damaging effects of these messages?

REASON 7: You can’t stand to miss anything!

GROWTH-STEPS: Recognize you might be addicted to adrenalin and the buzz it gives you to be in the middle of whatever is happening. Pray for insight into why you need to be at most activities: does it provide a sense of being included, wanted, significant? Is it a way to avoid loneliness or other uncomfortable feelings? Spend some time quietly asking God if there’s something He wants to bring into your life which is crowded out right now by over-involvement.

I hope these seven reasons and growth-steps have given you lots of food for thought! Just in case you want to start saying NO, here’s a few phrases you might want to keep on the tip of your tongue:

• Thanks, but I’m not able to do that.
• I appreciate being asked but I am over-committed.
• My family and I have plans.

With prayer and practice, you can get your life under the Spirit’s control.

Copyright 2009 - Poppy Smith. All rights reserved.

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