Good Guys? Bad Guys? How Can You Tell the Difference? Part 1
“Do not look at his appearance… the Lord looks at the heart”
1 Samuel 16:7
After many years sharing and caring for heart-broken and hurting women, I still find myself wondering what goes on behind closed doors.
I feel led to share this article I wrote many years ago for three reasons:
Poppy
I feel led to share this article I wrote many years ago for three reasons:
- The Abuse Recovery Ministry I had the privilege of working with recently announced their desire to take their healing program into women’s prisons. I am thrilled with this news.
- One of my granddaughters is going to intern with them this Fall.
- I came across this article in a file and felt it was still relevant and needed.
Poppy
SQUEALING excitedly, 70 teenage girls crowded around the pictures being handed out at a workshop on dating.
'Oh, I love his eyes."
"Look at his hair."
"What a cute smile, he's such a hunk!"
Amused at their unabashed enthusiasm, I called out, "Would you say 'Yes' if he asked you for a date?"
Their passionate response left no room for doubt!
"But what do you really know about him?" I probed. "Do his looks mean he's a good guy?" Uncertainty swept over their young faces, my questions quickly dampening the highly-charged atmosphere.
Like their male counterparts, women also make initial assumptions based on physical attraction. The folly of this was evident in the prophet Samuel's search for Saul's replacement (1 Sam 16:7). God's counsel to Samuel is as timely today as then: "Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature ...the Lord looks at the heart."
Abusive marriages
The mistaken belief that an attractive exterior reflects a desirable character has drawn many women into emotionally or physically abusive marriages.
Holly Wagner Green, in her book From Fear to Hope, vividly describes a hurtful relationship when she says: "An abusive man deliberately treats his wife harshly and cruelly. He might verbally degrade and demean her or physically beat her. His goal is to destroy her self-esteem, to render her helpless and dependent on him." In a milder tone, Webster's Dictionary defines abuse as improper use or treatment, abusive language, and physical maltreatment.
Often these behaviors are hidden until sometime after the wedding.
The U.S. Justice Department states that a woman is battered every 12 seconds in the United States. Dr. C. Everett Koop, former Surgeon General, declared that battery is the number one cause of injury to women in the U.S.
Is abuse a problem that touches the Christian community? Are there Christian Men Who Hate Women, as Dr. Margaret Rinck, a Christian psychologist, claims in her book of that title? Is it possible to tell the difference between good guys and bad? Between guys who might emotionally and even physically abuse a woman, and those who would not? Both Scripture and research provide answers.
'Oh, I love his eyes."
"Look at his hair."
"What a cute smile, he's such a hunk!"
Amused at their unabashed enthusiasm, I called out, "Would you say 'Yes' if he asked you for a date?"
Their passionate response left no room for doubt!
"But what do you really know about him?" I probed. "Do his looks mean he's a good guy?" Uncertainty swept over their young faces, my questions quickly dampening the highly-charged atmosphere.
Like their male counterparts, women also make initial assumptions based on physical attraction. The folly of this was evident in the prophet Samuel's search for Saul's replacement (1 Sam 16:7). God's counsel to Samuel is as timely today as then: "Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature ...the Lord looks at the heart."
Abusive marriages
The mistaken belief that an attractive exterior reflects a desirable character has drawn many women into emotionally or physically abusive marriages.
Holly Wagner Green, in her book From Fear to Hope, vividly describes a hurtful relationship when she says: "An abusive man deliberately treats his wife harshly and cruelly. He might verbally degrade and demean her or physically beat her. His goal is to destroy her self-esteem, to render her helpless and dependent on him." In a milder tone, Webster's Dictionary defines abuse as improper use or treatment, abusive language, and physical maltreatment.
Often these behaviors are hidden until sometime after the wedding.
The U.S. Justice Department states that a woman is battered every 12 seconds in the United States. Dr. C. Everett Koop, former Surgeon General, declared that battery is the number one cause of injury to women in the U.S.
Is abuse a problem that touches the Christian community? Are there Christian Men Who Hate Women, as Dr. Margaret Rinck, a Christian psychologist, claims in her book of that title? Is it possible to tell the difference between good guys and bad? Between guys who might emotionally and even physically abuse a woman, and those who would not? Both Scripture and research provide answers.
Is abuse a problem in the Christian community?
“Warren” accused me of being very selfish when I occasionally suggested we go to a nice restaurant for a date,” recalled “Helen.” “He said he didn’t want to spend his money that way, and anyway, he doesn’t like to dress up, so we didn’t go.”
After 20 years of verbal and emotional abuse she had separated from her husband. “When we dated, he freely criticized my clothing and my hair. I constantly felt put down and hurt, but the prospect of no boyfriend at all was worse. After we married, if I questioned him on some issue he’d tell me I had no right to do that. He would withdraw verbally or physically until I couldn’t stand it any longer and would apologize.
Helen's marriage became a cage filled with loneliness, insults and emotional damage. Helen's husband was a leader in their church.
Authors James and Phyllis Alsdurf, in their book Battered into Submission, sadly but clearly document the fact that abuse does exist in the Christian community.
I’m sad to say I have discovered the same in my many years of ministry but there are red, warning flags women can watch for.
In Part 2 of this article, I’ll describe what to observe and actions you can take both BEFORE and IN an abusive marriage.
You and I are His beloved daughters. Women who deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
May that be your experience today.
In Christ’s love,
Poppy
“Warren” accused me of being very selfish when I occasionally suggested we go to a nice restaurant for a date,” recalled “Helen.” “He said he didn’t want to spend his money that way, and anyway, he doesn’t like to dress up, so we didn’t go.”
After 20 years of verbal and emotional abuse she had separated from her husband. “When we dated, he freely criticized my clothing and my hair. I constantly felt put down and hurt, but the prospect of no boyfriend at all was worse. After we married, if I questioned him on some issue he’d tell me I had no right to do that. He would withdraw verbally or physically until I couldn’t stand it any longer and would apologize.
Helen's marriage became a cage filled with loneliness, insults and emotional damage. Helen's husband was a leader in their church.
Authors James and Phyllis Alsdurf, in their book Battered into Submission, sadly but clearly document the fact that abuse does exist in the Christian community.
I’m sad to say I have discovered the same in my many years of ministry but there are red, warning flags women can watch for.
In Part 2 of this article, I’ll describe what to observe and actions you can take both BEFORE and IN an abusive marriage.
You and I are His beloved daughters. Women who deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
May that be your experience today.
In Christ’s love,
Poppy
Using Scripture, humor, and colorful illustrations from her own struggles, Poppy Smith offers hope in this upbeat, personal, practical, biblically grounded, and empathetic book. Why Can't He Be More Like Me? will help women analyze areas of marital conflict by reviewing their backgrounds, parenting personalities, expectations, needs, and reactions. Each chapter provides practical tools to help women learn to accept and enjoy their mate, resulting in a strengthened relationship, better communication, and deeper understanding of each other.
My book, Why Can't He Be More Like Me?: 9 Secrets to Understanding Your Husband, is $4.99 on Kindle!